Friday, 27 May 2011

Massive May Update

Hello World!
I am not dead, just lost in the surreal-ness that is life lately.

I don't know why I've had no motivation to blog lately, maybe because things have been going well but also somewhat smoothly and super busily that I haven't felt the need to rant on here, not that my to do list isn't overflowing...

Perhaps instead of back-dating blogs, or whatever it's called, I will just make this one into a giant one, so dear readers...this is what you have missed, what I've learnt and what I ate and so on...
I have great friends! 

How important it is to cherish life.

Got a new bed frame! My amazing friend Lise gave me her old bed frame as a belated birthday present. I don't remember if I wrote on here, that on new year's day, I had torn apart my old bed frame in an act beginnings I well as the fact that it was broken and scratched and took up most of my room and hit me in the shins each time I tried to get around anyways, I was basically sleeping on the floor, with my mattress on the flat pieces of bed frame I kept to protect it, which was actually amazing for awhile, but it got old fast, not to mention the fact that I didn't like my mattress almost touching the floor...but now I feel like the princess and the pea, minus the pea! Check out my messy room!!  
I'm so high off the ground and my feet don't touch the floor when I sit on it, not to mention all the space underneath I can use for much needed storage now! So. Freaking. Happy. I love you Lise.

Rode a bike to the Island and through most of Toronto! Was super sore but it was sooo worth it!
Then later on went to see the Fireworks by the lake...

Realized that you don't always have to take people's advice.
I know that I'm twenty one, and that I live with my mother, and yes, I do regret not moving out in earlier years sometimes, but with my family situation, and my cat, and that my mother is planning on moving back to Italy, and my lack of reliable job at the is not a good time to move out, especially since I'll be in Asia for a month and a half. And also, hey! I`m a student, I`m saving money! That said, however, IF, when I get back and settled in again and found myself a job, the situation does not improve...then moving out is my best bet, not only for myself and to learn, but also to show to my family that I am serious.
Speaking of serious...after one year of cutting my own hair, went to a salon! Got cut and dyed and now my hair is ONE colour, a dark brown that I thought was black and was pretty shocked about when I first saw it on my head...but I'm happy with it now and it will still look great as it fades...I was just tired of having my hair a bunch of different colours from having the sun bleach in highlights, and every time I tried to dye it myself, it would end up going red anyways...

I've realized some things about my family that are heartbreaking and I've got to make some personal decisions about what will happen next...but more importantly right now...
My brother got married! Crazy, I know! Who knew this day would come?
That's it for now!
Speak soon xoxo

Things I would like to do very soon:

  • Re-vamp my blog.
  • Make a series of vlogs.
  • Pick my Uni courses.
  • Clean room to perfection.
  • Get my G1.
Things left to do for Asia:
  • Insurance
  • Shots
  • Ziploc bags for packing
  • Shoes, capris, headlamp....
  • Photocopy passport, put all documents together, etc.
  • Call credit card company.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

‘He loved three things, alive:’


He loved three things, alive:

white peacocks, songs at eve,
and antique maps of America.
Hated when children cried,
and raspberry jam with tea,
and feminine hysteria.
…and he had married me.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011


Forgiving is hard.
There are different levels of forgiveness, depends on who hurts you and how. But I think when you put so much effort into someone or something and someone seems to keep doing everything they can to hurt you, it's really hard to 'forgive and forget'.
Forgive and forget... that's an easy thing to type, but not to do. Some things aren't easily forgotten, some things really cut you deep inside and you don't even understand how that person could have hurt you that way. It's harder to forgive when what happened makes no sense, when you thought you'd done everything you could to avoid it occuring.
You give someone your all and they keep betraying you and you try and try to keep going but after can't forgive anymore...can you?

I have to let go of some painful things, that I still feel have been left unpunished or unjustified, but I have to do it in order to gain a friend that I so desperately want to keep. They may not understand why, and on lonely days, I may not either, but the only thing stopping us from being great friends me. Even though they made the mistakes, they hate that they made them and want to move forward, but the only thing blocking the way to happiness is my lack of forgiveness. I think the only way I could 'forgive and forget' is if the person pretty much stood here in front of me, looked me in the eye and apologized, maybe even kneeling...
What do I need to feel like what happened is over and done with?
Why am I constantly in shock each time I replay it in my head? Wondering, 'how could this have happened to me?'
Why do I still feel pain every time I think about it?
Why do I still think about it all so much?

I want to forgive.
I do.
I really really really really really do. More than anything right now and for a long time.
But I can't help but feel like it wouldn't be fair, that there should be some kind of justice in the world.
But what if I never forgive? what if I forever live in this painful memoryland?
The pain I feel inside only hurts me, the poison in my gut is only affecting my body and my life, not theirs. They feel nothing, they don't know how much I'm suffering, and reminding them only makes things worse for both of us. I want us both to be happy and us both to know each other still.
So what do I do?
I have no choice but to forgive him.
I have no choice but to get over this horrible lump in my throat.
For us,
for me.

I have to do this for me.

Monday, 9 May 2011

The weather has been beautiful!
Things have been going well, except a stupid slip up today with a friend, got to remind myself to think before I speak...I need to stop letting my emotions take over...but I went to the gym! and I'm hoping to go back tomorrow as well as Wednesday.  On Thursday, I've decided to run in the stairwell in my building until I'm super sore, then go hang out with a really good friend.

I feel like I've spent insane amounts of money this month, what with my dentist and medical bills, and promising myself to get my G1 license by the end of the month, no! by the end of the week! And I've got more things to pay for still! My trip to Asia is looking mighty cheap compared to my day to day living this month.
I'm doing my best to look good for my brother's wedding (hence going to the gym) but I have yet to find the right outfit, I've got medical issues to deal with and this morning I found out my earring had made a big gash in my ear! Really?  I'll try my best...
All in all, I shouldn't be complaining. I've got lots to do and staying busy helps life be less melancholic.
Dear Mavis, I apologize. Let's be friends? x

16 February, 1820

Dear Lady Georgiana,
... Nobody has suffered more from low spirits than I have done - so I feel for you. 

1st. Live as well as you dare.
2nd. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75 or 80 degrees
3rd. Amusing books. 
4th. Short views of human life - not further than dinner or tea. 
5th. Be as busy as you can. 
6th. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you. 
7th. And of those acquaintances who amuse you. 
8th. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely - they are always worse for dignified concealment. 
9th. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you. 
10th. Compare your lot with that of other people. 
11th. Don't expect too much from human life - a sorry business at the best. 
12th. Avoid peotry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion not ending in active benevolence. 
13th. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree. 
14th. Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue. 
15th. Make the room where you commonly sit, gay and pleasant. 
16th. Struggle by little and little against idleness. 
17th. Don't be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice. 
18th. Keep good blazing fires. 
19th. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion. 

20th. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana,

Very truly yours,
Sydney Smith

Saturday, 7 May 2011


On Waterloo Bridge where we said our goodbyes,
the weather conditions bring tears to my eyes.
I wipe them away with a black woolly glove
And try not to notice I've fallen in love
On Waterloo Bridge I am trying to think:
This is nothing. you're high on the charm and the drink.
But the juke-box inside me is playing a song
That says something different. And when was it wrong?
On Waterloo Bridge with the wind in my hair
I am tempted to skip. You're a fool. I don't care.
the head does its best but the heart is the boss-
I admit it before I am halfway across
Wendy Cope

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Nissan Toast

I remember the first time we spoke on the phone like it was yesterday.

I remember exactly what I was doing and what I was wearing and where I had to go.
I remember how my hand jumped with excitement when the phone rang, and the smell of the chicken soup I spilled a drop of doing so.
How I was late for my squadron meeting but I didn't care. I couldn't hear a single thing they were saying because I couldn't stop smiling to myself.

I can forgive and forget, but I won't forget everything.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Let him go.

Even if no one notices how brave you are being...

...or how hard this is to do...'ll all be worth it, I promise.
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak, sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

I care too much to see you unhappy.

To the stars and back x

Monday, 2 May 2011

Wisdom Teeth

I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow, all four of them! I'm quite nervous but hopefully it will be nothing to worry about. I'm excited, however, to consume loads of ice cream and yummy soups!

Wish me luck!

Not gonna lie, I've been rather lazy lately, what with uni being done with. I've been taking care of some personal things and working on different projects. I've decided to enroll in Casino Training school because...well why the hell not? Maybe I should have reconsidered watching 21 the other day... But with the program I found, I'm hoping to go on to work for them in August, once I get back from Asialand.

Speak soon xoxoxoxo

Where in the World...

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