Forgiveness

Forgiving is hard.
There are different levels of forgiveness, depends on who hurts you and how. But I think when you put so much effort into someone or something and someone seems to keep doing everything they can to hurt you, it's really hard to 'forgive and forget'.
Forgive and forget...
...now that's an easy thing to type, but not to do. Some things aren't easily forgotten, some things really cut you deep inside and you don't even understand how that person could have hurt you that way. It's harder to forgive when what happened makes no sense, when you thought you'd done everything you could to avoid it occuring.
You give someone your all and they keep betraying you and you try and try to keep going but after awhile...you can't forgive anymore...can you?


I have to let go of some painful things, that I still feel have been left unpunished or unjustified, but I have to do it in order to gain a friend that I so desperately want to keep. They may not understand why, and on lonely days, I may not either, but the only thing stopping us from being great friends again...is me. Even though they made the mistakes, they hate that they made them and want to move forward, but the only thing blocking the way to happiness is my lack of forgiveness. I think the only way I could 'forgive and forget' is if the person pretty much stood here in front of me, looked me in the eye and apologized, maybe even kneeling...
What do I need to feel like what happened is over and done with?
Why am I constantly in shock each time I replay it in my head? Wondering, 'how could this have happened to me?'
Why do I still feel pain every time I think about it?
Why do I still think about it all so much?


I want to forgive.
I do.
I really really really really really do. More than anything right now and for a long time.
But I can't help but feel like it wouldn't be fair, that there should be some kind of justice in the world.
But what if I never forgive? what if I forever live in this painful memoryland?
The pain I feel inside only hurts me, the poison in my gut is only affecting my body and my life, not theirs. They feel nothing, they don't know how much I'm suffering, and reminding them only makes things worse for both of us. I want us both to be happy and us both to know each other still.
So what do I do?
I have no choice but to forgive him.
I have no choice but to get over this horrible lump in my throat.
For us,
for me.


I have to do this for me.